10 MINUTE READ
Today is an auspicious day, for sure. (I don’t think I’ve actually ever said something like that before.) December 14th is a Personal Freedom day for me. One of the world’s leading experts on narcissists, Dr. Ramani, strongly advises that people spend an entire year alone after dating a narcissist. Well, I’ve done just that. December 14th, 2021, was the last day I dated a narcissist. When suggesting that people don’t date for a year, Dr. Ramani says you need to know about yourself: what temperature you like the thermostat, what foods you like to eat, and what music you like to listen to. And I can attest to that. In just yesterday’s journal entry, I mentioned how I didn’t even realize I was wearing a hairstyle my ex-lover from 5 years ago preferred and that it wasn’t my preference today.
For most of my life, I was not very aware of time. It was difficult for me to remember other people’s birthdays, and it wasn’t until a few years ago that I knew the order of the months. To this day, I still have to count to know, for instance, what month 5-22 or 6-22 is. However, getting the right treatment for ADD and Autism and ridding myself of all the abusive, toxic relationships has actually reduced my anxiety and increased my mental capacity. It’s enabled me to become aware of time much more now. But it’s taken some effort. In the past, I wouldn’t be aware of a one-year anniversary. But this time, I knew December 14th was coming, and I was “scare-cited” (excited and scared simultaneously).
I’m certainly excited because, as I’ve been writing about, I’ve successfully been creating healthy relationships. (Side note: yesterday, my neighbor noticed my hair was different, LOL. See yesterday’s journal entry.) In fact, about two months ago, I was more scared than excited, knowing this special day was coming up. I was actually going to write in my journal about how I was afraid to be ready to date again. I feared that I would not recognize a covert narcissist again, get into something toxic and abusive, and lose myself again. It was literally before I even got out of bed that day that I got one of the most incredible signs I’ve ever received:
Every day I get up at the same time to feed my cat, and if I feel like sleeping more, I’ll go back to bed. That is what happened on that September a.m. when I was scared of new relationships. My cat likes to go outside, so sometimes when I’m home, I’ll leave the cat door propped open for her. I was waking up the second time when I heard something knocking in the other room. My cat was on the bed with me and was on this strange noise faster than anyone. She leaped up and ran into the other room. I kept hearing something stirring in the other room, so I said I guess I better get up and see what it is. When I entered the other room, I found the cat staring at a squirrel who had wandered into the house through the open door and was trying to get out through the closed windows. Unfortunately, the squirrel was acting like a fly on the windowsill, except the squirrel is a lot bigger and was knocking things over. The cat was closer to the door the squirrel needed to go out of, so I picked up the cat and held her purposefully like a semi-automatic weapon. I knew that the cat and I needed to act as one so we didn’t corner the squirrel. So calmly, I carried the cat to the other side of the room to push the squirrel towards the door, and it worked.
As I said, on this very day in September, I was planning on writing in my journal that I was more scared than excited about this upcoming December anniversary. After the squirrel left, I found out what was making all that noise. This squirrel left a black walnut on one of my alter spaces. This was the most incredible sign because black walnuts literally represent strength and excellent discernment. So just when I was unsure of my new awareness and skills, I got a sign from nature telling me I had what I needed to manifest healthy relationships when the time came.
I feel like something similar happened to me last night in my dream. In one of my first online journal entries, I talked about how I would repeatedly dream of my ex “Hendrick.” I spoke about how I felt like it was unhealthy even though we had no interactions in my waking life, and I was also not thinking of him. So I did a cord-cutting ritual. What’s interesting about cord-cutting rituals is that they have merit; otherwise, I wouldn’t have done them. However, they don’t change the underline issue. They don’t change the physical connections in your brain, and they don’t heal the root cause. I did a cord-cutting ritual for Hendrick because I felt like I had increased my awareness, changed my patterns, and generally healed as much as I could psychologically.
Dreams can be tricky. For instance, if I dream of someone who has passed, acting out of character, being mean, or acting urgently, I know that it’s not their Spirit speaking to me. In that case, it’s my brain processing, resetting, growing, repairing, and rewiring. It’s almost like watching something before I go to bed, and it appears in my dreams. However, there’s a certain feeling to a dream when a loved one comes with a healing or reassuring message. It can be hard to tell the difference if you don’t trust your intuition or have highly skilled discernment. I’m not perfect, especially during times of crisis. That is when I need professionals to help me with my discernment. Even so, when not in crisis, mining my dreams for messages when appropriate takes time to process. And I found that only thinking about them doesn’t get me to where I want to go, at least not right now. This journaling process and the process I need to do before the words even hit the page helps me effectively interpret my dreams. Last night’s dream is a good case in point.
Last night I dreamt of Hendrik again. After doing all of the healing work, including cutting the cords, my initial ego’s response was of frustration, rolling my eyes, embarrassment, and generally thinking that there was still something to be fixed- as in there’s still some unhealthy connection there. But as I’ve been able to process it this a.m. and through this journaling practice, I’ve come to see this dream is as potent as the physical black walnut that the squirrel delivered directly to my alter space.
In the dream, there was the usual theme of Hendrick being married, and he and I want to sleep together. And as usual in the dream, he assured me that sleeping together was fine despite being married. This dream had a bit of a twist, which had never happened in any other Hendrick dream. In this case, Hendrick came to me and said he wanted to sleep with me “one last time,” and I agreed. (Side note: In all the Hendrick dreams I’ve had, I don’t think we actually ever slept together. It was always the same theme of him wanting to sleep with me and telling me it was okay despite the fact he was married, but we never got to the actual act.) So, in the dream, we decided we would spend one last time together. I spent the day thinking about where to go with him. I had all these different nature spots that I was thinking about. By the time he showed up, it was dark, so it wasn’t the best idea to go to the places I had thought, and it turns out he had a place of his own that he was excited to take me to for this last special moment together.
After dark, I got in his car and started driving up a mountain. As we approached where he was taking me, I looked up into the sky and saw the most beautiful aurora borealis. I excitedly pointed it out to him. We rushed into a tall building with windows on all sides and got the best view. As we sat there watching the aurora borealis, the colors became more beautiful and danced in the sky psychedelically. And we never slept together!
Waking up from this dream, as I said, I was disappointed that I was still dreaming of Hendrick. I was almost shaming myself about it. I nearly felt extra bad because I knew today was my personal Independence Day! It’s like the disappointment you have after thinking you’ve gotten rid of all the mice in your house, but then you find evidence that they’re still there. It’s frustrating and sad. But after sitting with the dream for a few hours, knowing that I would write about it today, I began to see this dream in a new light!
The symbolism of going up a mountain is very powerful. It means raising your consciousness, awareness, and vibration. It’s an auspicious omen. Add to that the most incredible auspiciousness I’ve had in a dream: an incredible display of the aurora borealis. Luckily the last time I consciously thought about the aurora borealis or saw it say on the internet or a TV show was years ago. So this is not my brain processing some TV show right before bed. In general, when I come across symbolism, whether in dreams or waking life, I practice what I preach and don’t use cards, stars, crystals, or Google to interpret the meaning because I have everything I need inside. But sometimes, my intuition will tell me to actually look something up. It’s an important distinction between always running to Google or looking inside for the meaning and having the inside tell me there’s something valuable for me to gain on the internet.
So, in this case, I followed my intuition and looked it up. According to most internet sources, dreaming about the aurora borealis signifies new beginnings, good luck, success, and new ventures and relationships. I never dreamt of the aurora borealis before, so I consider this dream to be a great gift. On the very anniversary of me leaving the last narcissist (Hendrick is not a narcissist, you can read about our past relationship here.) and marking a year of me getting to know me, honoring me, and healing me, I wake up from a dream celebrating the end of an old pattern with one of nature’s most beautiful displays of mystery, light, hope, and awe.
Happy Betsy LeFae Personal Freedom day to me!
