6 MINUTE READ
At the same time that I sit down to write today, I look out the window and see a squirrel with a black walnut. I’ll never see squirrels are black walnuts the same again after they came into my house on that auspicious day. (Check out the post I wrote about when I was unsure about new relationships, and a squirrel entered my home and placed a black walnut on my altar space.) Before seeing the squirrel outside just now, I was still determining what I would write about. I think it’s neat that the traditional morning pages accept and expect part of the practice to include writing, “I don’t know what to write.” It’s appropriate and symbolic of my overall spiritual practice: accepting where I am, as I am, as the quickest way to become something new.
Although my official year of not dating is over, and I am “on the market” (an accurate phrase but one I don’t particularly like), nothing outwardly has changed. Instead, I’m more focused on myself than ever before. That is a change. An erroneous message I was given my entire life is that I am too picky.
When I got into therapy this past year, I learned that people who perceive others as “too picky” are either users/manipulators or simply not a match for me. Of course, there could be all sorts of reasons that other people think I am too picky, but it’s none of my business. However, understanding others, to a certain extent, helps me know myself. For instance, I was unaware that so many people were jealous of me for most of my life. I also was not aware that the same jealous people were mistreating me. Now it doesn’t matter if they’re jealous. If they are mistreating me, they do not deserve a place in my life.
Learning at age 42 that I am indeed not too picky, that I deserve my preferences, and, therefore, to be happy is an interesting time to find such information out. One of the ways this most recently manifested was in my last therapy session. I was talking about the “One Last Time” dream with Hendrick. I wasn’t trying to justify this lasting energetic connection with Hendrick when I mentioned that one of the reasons why sex with him was the best is because he always made me laugh when we were intimate. After noting how awesome that was and how much I desired that again, I also offhandedly said,” I don’t NEED that.” In other words, I was saying, I think it’s fantastic and of course, I’d love to have that type of intimacy again, but if I’m not laughing while having sex with my next partner, it’s okay. My amazing therapist caught this statement and said, “Maybe you do,” It doesn’t matter if you “NEED” it. Maybe you do need it, perhaps you don’t, but the fact that you wanted it and enjoyed it, you deserve it, and therefore maybe that’s something that you do need. I was grateful that she caught on to that. I responded that it’s typical of where I’m coming from. There’s something that I prefer that my old self and the world around me tell me is rare, and then I don’t need it to get by. But maybe that’s a whole bunch of hogwash.
I heard a podcast recently that had a long discussion about” needs versus wants,” specifically in romantic relationships. It wasn’t necessarily talking about sex, but that was included as well. The therapist who was fielding this question. She doesn’t even think in terms of “needs” and “wants.” in general, she feels more along the lines of good communication, working things out, compromising, and getting your needs met in various ways and not just from one person. I think it is healthy and makes me think about two things.
First, it makes me think that some people and institutions are most likely using this concept of Needs & Wants and these definitions of Needs & Wants as part of a larger gaslighting and manipulation scheme. Not everyone who talks about needs and wants this way is manipulative and gaslighting, but I know from my past this is what my family and my marriage would rely on. A lot of it was covert, and a lot of it was coercion. In other words, we didn’t need to have the explicit discussion “Do you need this or do you want this?” because it was implied in the conversation playing on my sensitivities and covertly creating a sense of guilt if I did not go along with their unspoken plans/desires.
The second thing I think about is why there is a distinction between needs and wants. If we didn’t live in a materialistic, capitalistic, patriarchal society, would there be such a distinction between wants and needs? The way I understand it in a “healthy way” is maybe from a budgeting perspective, say when teaching a child. Even as an adult, you may want a fancy car, not have enough money for it, but need transportation. Therefore, you may choose not to get the vehicle you want and choose something you need over something you want.
I know that manipulators do not follow themselves but require others to follow. I know many other people are in positions that I was in or recovering from situations that I was in who, like the person who wrote into that podcast, get confused about wants and needs because they’re confused about what they deserve. And I feel like materialism, capitalism, and patriarchal societies want people to feel like there is not enough to go around and that people cannot have what they desire. So desire may have two different definitions. Desire can be greedy, and desire can be humanitarian or practical and grounded. What I’ve just described is greedy people manipulating practical people. The greedy take away other people’s grounding, possibly by sweeping them off their feet, and manipulates practical humanitarian people to feel guilty for basic human desires (which some might confuse with “wants”).
As I take a deep breath from all this, I’m glad my wants and desires for myself are pretty straightforward and will not be dissuaded or manipulated by anyone in the future. Not only that but any partner or friend I have in my life will not be at odds with these wants and desires most of the time. They will have high enough self-esteem, so these journal entries won’t threaten them. It may sound obvious to some order, some it may sound obvious that it would be a future fear of mine. Most of the people in my life that I kept close to me would have tried to dissuade me, be afraid, angry, and jealous of the fact that I was running honestly and posting online. Call it a need, call it a want, call it what you want, but that will never happen again. And knowing that makes me feel good.
