6 MINUTE READ
It is incredibly rare that I ever have a “difficult time” getting to sleep. Although I didn’t exactly have a hard time getting to sleep last night, I found some good news right before lying down. And this good news made it feel like today was going to be Christmas Day. You know that feeling you might have the night before something exciting happens the next day? That’s the feeling I had as I was going to sleep last night. I was so excited, but I calmed down and fell asleep after a few minutes. What was the news I found out? Today’s weather was going to be in the 50s. And that means I can go hiking and gather more crystals at my favorite spot! I’ve wanted to do this the whole time it’s been cold. Currently, my body cannot handle the cold. I used to go hiking in all four seasons and bundle up when it was extra cold. However, since losing my family, I’ve had issues with circulation. It’s prevented me from going out when it’s cold or hot. Also, if the ground is frozen, it’s more challenging to gather crystals. It’s warmer today and has been warmer over the past few days. So the earth will be soft enough to make it worthwhile. I’m so excited! I’ll post pictures so you can see which crystals made it home with me today. I love fostering these crystals until they find their forever home!
Okay, so on to the journal prompts. The question is, “What is missing from your life?”
Before writing, I had to sit and think about this one for more than ten minutes. Many times in my life, since I’ve come from such a suppressive background, I’m better off or further down the road than I realize in most areas of my life. For example, taking a class, especially as an adult, in something I’m interested in often shows me that I have advanced skills and that I need to give myself more credit for it. Like that time, I went to Lily Dale and took a class in mediumship even though I was already a professional medium. My friends were confused and intrigued. They asked, “Why would you take a course in mediumship when you’re already a fantastic medium?” My answer was that I wanted to advance my skill, and although that was true, the honest answer was I only realized how good at mediumship I was once I took this class. The class was kind of fun since I was surrounded by other mediums, which, as you might imagine, is rare. I did get to try new things, which was also fun. But my friends were right. I didn’t need to take that class and didn’t learn much new information or make great strides in enhancing my skill as I had expected (because I was already advanced!). Nevertheless, the course showed me what I couldn’t see before: I was a fantastic medium.
I’m starting to see a pattern with journaling prompts, similar to when I took that mediumship course. Today’s journal prompts, and some of the ones before (we’ll see with the ones in the future), are showing me where I am further along the road, and frankly, much better off than I previously thought.
Although I think it’s pretty common for some people to downplay their area of expertise or maybe have low self-esteem and therefore not be able to acknowledge their achievements, that’s not necessarily what’s going on here. There might be a pinch, but I feel this lack of awareness comes from my relationships and family of origin. Since, for most of my life, my close relationships were filled with people who were abusive and jealous of me, I got the opposite feedback. If I did well in something or excelled, it would cause increased jealousy and strengthen their efforts to criticize me and push me down so that they could feel better. Being on the Autism Spectrum didn’t help me in this area either. Not all people with Autism are “gullible,” but up to this point, most of us are used to “neurotypical” people telling us that we are doing everything wrong and that we need to do better. Trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, as it were, robs us of our energy by requiring us to mask to fit into their world. That accurately describes why I might have had trouble seeing my awesomeness.
I’ve often described my disposition as strikingly similar to the character Kimmy in the popular show Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. If you haven’t seen the show, it’s about a grown woman who was raised in a cult in an underground bunker. The show’s basic premise is that everything is new to Kimmy since she has no real experience. It depicts her as being grateful for whatever she has because it is more than she had in the underground bunker. Everything is new to her, and she has to rely on other people to tell her how this new world works. She’s incredibly excited because she was depraved in the underground bunker, which also leaves her highly vulnerable to manipulation.
In the journaling post where I share how neuroscience has discovered that emotional abuse causes brain damage, I also share that this manipulation and abuse was rampant in my family of origin and many of my close friendship and romantic relationships. This makes my life strikingly similar to that in the Kimmy Schmidt show.
Since ridding myself of all toxic relationships in the past year-and-a-half, this naivete has dramatically decreased. No longer having people around me who are oppressive, abusive, and used to taking advantage of me, in addition to a concerted effort toward healing, has led me to trust myself now more than ever. The combination of all this allows me to finally see how much more advanced I am than I previously thought!
The journal topic today is about what you are “missing.” As I said, I took about 10 minutes to think about this because I couldn’t see any area where I was “missing” anything. Sure, I would like to advance in most areas of my life. I want to grow more and have more. But I’m not missing anything. I think of it as if you asked someone in 8th grade what they were missing, and their answer was that they were missing a graduate degree in neuroscience. That doesn’t make any sense. That comes later and naturally as you continue to study and grow. It takes time and effort. That’s what will happen in all areas of my life. I’m getting there and feel incredibly grateful for everything I have. I feel fulfilled and complete. That said, I can now see a place where I was missing something. I wasn’t able to see myself accurately. It’s as though I was looking into a broken mirror. Instead of understanding the mirror was broken, I thought I was broken. I still don’t believe this is something I’m technically missing, but it’s something that was missing and is something that I am actively working on.
