I had a “He's Just Not That Into You” moment these past few days, except it was with a friend and not a romantic interest. I've been breadcrumbed for most of my life, and I realize that I can't be breadcrumbed unless I'm starved. If that's what I'm used to, breadcrumbing, then sometimes I don't know the difference between someone being avoidant, busy, or not being into me. I thought leaving California meant I could say goodbye to people future-faking me regularly. Meaning, when they said let's do lunch here on the East Coast, I thought maybe they’d mean it, and we’d get lunch.
I'm learning that there are all sorts of reasons why people will flake. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for radical self-care. But, usually, when I commit to something (a lot of times, I'll just say I'm a “maybe” because I need to figure it out), I will show up, especially if it's with a one-on-one friend. Of course, you know there are occasional times I'll have a headache or be exhausted and need extra self-care, so I'll cancel it, but those times are rare. I'm just not used to people making it seem like we are “definitely going to hang out” and then them flaking. And the good news is that I am acquiring healthier, more reliable friendships as time passes. But growing anything beneficial takes a long time.
I'm not on social media that often. The only reason why I'm on social media is because of my business. I don't follow anyone on Instagram, but I sometimes check up on people or look at their profiles. So because of that whole community thing that I wrote about yesterday, I was helping to spread the word and looking for local community people/accounts. I was in my inbox when I encountered someone I thought was my friend. I noticed that this person had a new story, so I clicked on it, and I found out that they were three blocks from my house when they lived about 2 hours away. So I immediately texted, “Hey, are you in my neighborhood?” and I got a text back, “I am here for the next few days.”, and we're like, let's hang out! As you might have guessed, this person came and went. But they also went to all my favorite places and posted about it!
I suggested hiking to get some crystals, and my friend acted excited over text. I'm not disappointed over being dissed. But I was excited to see my “friend.” By canceling on me and leaving, I realize he doesn’t consider me a friend, which disappoints me.
So, this a.m., I treated myself to a fantastic hike! I got a zillion crystals and had so much fun.
I didn't Journal this morning because it was the only time it would not rain over the next few days. I needed that time alone and nature to digest what had happened. I know relationships aren't a walk in the park a hundred percent of the time. But for me, I'm just getting my bearings. I'm about to turn 43 in 2 months, but I feel like a toddler, not necessarily in a bad way but in a way that it feels like when I was around 12 or so, and it took me forever to understand sarcasm. I know everyone goes through that, but being on the Autism Spectrum it was extra hard for me. As we know, sarcasm is saying one thing but meaning another end. So I'm in an extended, drawn-out version of that.
I always do my best to say how I feel. For example, I will text a different friend in just a bit and change the boundary we set with each other. This is an extension of a conversation that we had. It will be a very clear text, and I'm confident it will be taken very well, and our friendship will continue.
It's not that I'm so naive that I don't know why people don't say what they mean, but it's hella frustrating and unexpected. Over the last year, my innocence has died most appropriately. It's something that they talk about when they talk about healing from narcissistic abuse. And I'm okay with giving time to get to know someone. In my podcast, I state in the opening, “the place where we learned that trust is earned and not given, even with ourselves”. I'm okay with giving people time to see if their words and actions match up. It’s just growing pains, but it hurts.
I like to be enthusiastic. I want to wear my heart on my sleeve and give authentic compliments. But I'm learning that unless I know someone, those things may not be appropriate, or they may backfire. It's like moving too fast with someone you don't know well. Before this last year, I had no idea.
I'm grateful that I know how to take care of myself and am manifesting healthy stellar new friendships. I needed that hike today. And as I close my eyes now, I just see crystals! That's because I was picking up so many crystals today. If I were talking to a friend and telling them about what happened, they would say, “He's Just Not That Into You,”. I guess it’s true. We aren't friends. It's sad, but it's okay. Better that I learn now with low stakes, I think.
Oh wow! I just realized it’s 11/11/22! What a great date!
Did you know there are four types of empaths? Take this super fun quiz and in less than 60 seconds find out whether you're a chameleon, owl, horse or ostrich empath and exactly what that means!
take the quiz